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I imagine our neighbors look at our house and imagine we are quite alright, well off perhaps. It is weird to be grateful for this big, beautiful home, but equally feel just as burdened by it. We once did have it all, it wasn’t always a matter of feeling we play pretend. After years of sacrifice, the fruits of our labor were earned, until they were stripped from us by one small mistake. A mistake we couldn’t see or recognize, one that hid within the walls of this house, one misjudgment that has kept us chained to this house and drained of all the money my parents hard work had earned. Every day, we walk out of the house with our shiny purses and pretty clothes that we once could afford. Only now, it feels like we play dress up. They see a young and bright young woman, walking out of her privileged home, in her privileged neighborhood, to maybe leave and spend her money, or even her parents’ money, on a daily coffee or expensive dinner. Instead, I drive to the end of hill street where the big open field stays. I escape our big home that no matter how much I try to make the rooms their own pocket of peace, they are rather a constant reminder of the well we are at the bottom of with no rope to climb out of. I watch the sun set cast over the field of bay state. I am always surprised when the cows are at the edge of the gate rather than anywhere else in the 5 acres of land. I hop out of my car and walk up as they eye me wearily. They say you can see the soul of the cow in its eyes, and in these moments, I believe that to be true. Yet here the cow is trapped behind this gate, in the beautiful 5 acres of land that many cows would dream of too. These cows don’t know it yet, but all the same they will be slaughtered eventually too. I look into the baby cows’ eyes softly as I creep closer, but it doesn’t move, perhaps less conditioned to be scared of humans. I reach my hand out, and it touches me too. The last bit of sun blasts now before disappearing, and we both wonder what we will do. The dark brings fear and wonder all the same, of what they next day will become.